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4 Questions To Gauge Your Kid’s Mental Health During The COVID-19 Pandemic

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Small tweaks to what and how you ask can give you a true sense of how your child is actually coping — beyond “yes,” “no” and fine.”
Catherine Pearson

Kids have been through a lot since the COVID-19 pandemic began: school closures, massive changes to how they socialize and unrelenting uncertainty about what comes next.

Fortunately, mental health experts are quick to note, children are, on the whole, resilient. But there are plenty who are struggling. In one study, 60% of teens said they’re feeling lonely and 50% said they’re feeling anxious. Up to one-third of parents say they’ve noticed their children’s mental health get worse since March.

There are many ways parents and caregivers can help children cope with the pandemic and everything it has brought about. One of the simplest is just to ask. But those conversations can be difficult, particularly if they’re new for your family or if your child isn’t particularly talkative.

Here are four simple, expert-recommended questions to get you started.

1. What do you think about what’s happening right now?

“Parents have to keep in mind that kids aren’t necessarily thinking about everything that is happening right now in the exact same way they’re thinking about it,” explained Jill Emanuele, clinical director of the Child Mind Institute’s Mood Disorders Center. “It’s really important to start with general, open questions.”

So just ask your child what they think or feel about what is happening right now. Maybe don’t even mention the COVID-19 pandemic.

Part of what this kind of broad question — and others like it — does well is help give you a sense of what your child thinks he or she knows about what’s happening in the world around them. If they’ve picked up false information, this can be a good way to talk to them about it. You can also be honest with them about what you don’t know.

2. How do you think your friends are dealing with everything?

Some kids might respond really openly to big, open-ended questions. Others might not have much to say at all. For those children in particular, it can be helpful to use their friends — or maybe even characters from a TV show they like — to back into the conversation, said Isaiah Pickens, a clinical psychologist and the CEO of iOpening Enterprises.

“You can say, ‘How do you think your friends feel about the coronavirus?’” he suggested.

Another variation of this tactic can be to gather your family — whatever your family looks like — and say something like, “Hey, let’s have a group conversation. How are we all doing with this right now?”

“If you frame it as a family conversation, the ‘heat’ is not all on the kid,” said Emanuele.

The bottom line is that some kids aren’t big talkers. That’s OK, but it doesn’t mean you should totally give up. Try and sneak it in however you can, Emanuele said — maybe not daily, or even weekly, but definitely try. She also noted that if your child used to be really responsive to conversations and now they are much more reserved, that’s something to pay attention to.

3. I’m feeling [try a bunch of different adjectives here]. How about you?

While open-ended questions are valuable — and you certainly don’t want to fall into the trap of projecting your fears and feelings on your child — it can be helpful to lead with yourself, both experts said. It helps normalize the fact that people are coping with a lot of different feelings right now. Just keep it age and developmentally appropriate.

When you start by identifying how you’re feeling, it can really help to have a lot of adjectives at your disposal, particularly if your child is younger and is just learning how to identify and put words to what they are feeling, Pickens said.

“What’s making you feel worried/nervous/excited/embarrassed to talk about?” he offered as an example.

You want to make room for your child to open up to you about different experiences and emotions, and to use a variety of language so you can help them translate what they are experiencing internally.

4. What’s got you excited right now? What are you really loving?

Another way to get a sense of how well your child is coping right now is to ask them about what they’re enjoying. You’re really getting at: How is my child coping? Pickens explained.

You could ask: “What’s giving you energy?” he said. “What’s making you happy?”

Those types of questions are also a good barometer of your child’s current mental and emotional well-being, and whether they are in any kind of distress. Parents should be on the lookout for sustained changes in their behavior, including diminished enthusiasm for activities and things they once loved.

“Any change in behavior or routine that’s not like your child and that seems like it is becoming a pattern is a red flag,” Emanuele said.

How to keep kids active as the weather cools and the pandemic rolls on

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By Joanna Pearlstein

Let’s just get this out of the way: Don’t feel guilty. That’s the advice experts offer to parents who are worrying about how to keep their kids fit during the coronavirus pandemic, especially as the days get shorter, the weather begins to cool and options for playing outside diminish. Although the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children get at least 60 minutes of activity a day, when recess is canceled and PE is online, that may not be feasible for many families.

“We have to assume everyone’s plate is extremely full, and we have to give parents some grace,” says Hildi Nicksic, clinical assistant professor of kinesiology at Texas A&M University in College Station, Tex. “We understand there’s a lot of pressure, particularly if their children have not returned to school and they’re wearing so many more hats than they usually do.”

The good news: Children are resilient, says Sofiya Alhassan, associate professor and director of the Pediatric Physical Activity Laboratory at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. “It’s really important not to feel guilty. You have to do what you have to do, without feeling guilty about it.”

That said, physicians say physical activity gives kids energy, reduces body fat, decreases a child’s chances of developing diabetes, and builds muscle, bone, and joint strength, among other benefits. And parents may find that getting their children to move around improves family dynamics. Alhassan, the mom of twin 5-year-olds, notices that her kids tend to argue more when they don’t have outdoor time. “There’s a lot of research to support the impact of physical activity on behavior during non-covid times,” she says. “Kids who are allowed to be physically active during school have better behavior in class, they learn better, they are less hyperactive. Now that we’re stuck inside, there are going to be more mood swings, more arguing.”

Exercise may not only reduce bickering; it can also help with kids’ academic performance. “We know activity is good not only for physical well-being, but also for mental health, focus and attention,” says Korin Hudson, a sports medicine and ER physician who teaches at Georgetown’s medical school and practices in McLean, Va. “For kids with ADHD, activity is really crucial to them in helping keep their focus; staying focused on the screen, where kids are spending so much time, tends to be even harder to maintain.” Most families don’t have access to a playground, but even a few minutes of moving around can be helpful, Hudson says.

Providing opportunities for movement doesn’t have to involve expensive exercise equipment or yet more screen time. Hudson suggests creating a grab jar: Write down exercises — 10 burpees, 20 jumping jacks, holding a plank for 30 seconds, to name a few — on small pieces of paper and put them in a jar. Ask everyone in the family (yes, including parents) to grab a piece of paper and then do the indicated move.

Families that lack outdoor space or aren’t able to take their children outside frequently might turn common household chores into games, says Alhassan. “Ask kids, ‘What can we do to get our energy up? Can you help me fold clothes, then jump really high?’”

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Children can also incorporate physical activity directly into their learning. Adrien McDonald, director of athletics and physical education at the McLean School in Potomac, suggests children try shooting baskets while spelling out words. They can do squats at their desk, stretch while reading a book or substitute a one-pound weight for a fidget spinner. (Don’t have a one-pound weight? Try a can of beans.) Another option: Send your children on a scavenger hunt to find items in your house. “It could be, ‘Bring me back something yellow, or bring me back your favorite picture that best describes you,’” McDonald says. Or ask them to race to collect items whose names begin with a certain letter of the alphabet. Then, as a sanity-preservation measure, have a competition to see how quickly they can put all of the found treasures away.

Turning parts of the house into a playground has worked for Danielle and AndrĂ© Bierzynski, who live in the District’s Southwest Waterfront neighborhood with their two daughters, 6 and 2. AndrĂ© has built obstacle courses out of couch cushions for their younger daughter. “Even just walking her up and down the stairs is actually enjoyable for her, and it’s exercise,” he says.

Although their older daughter’s parochial school has resumed in-person instruction, the Bierzynskis have opted to keep her learning at home, which means both parents are working while simultaneously trying to keep their daughters occupied. When they can’t go for walks, the Bierzynskis use yoga videos, a small trampoline and a small basketball hoop to keep the girls moving.

The Bierzynskis’ older daughter also has a fitness tracker that’s designed for children. “It’s become kind of a competition for her; she’s monitoring it herself, and you’ll see her running in circles or up and down the stairs to hit her goals,” says Danielle. She and her husband also have found that their children take notice when they ride their Peloton bike. “The kids know when we are carving out our time for exercise, and it gives them a bit of a jolt. It motivates them,” AndrĂ© says.

Being a role model can not only prompt kids to exercise, but it can also spur them to do things they haven’t tried before. Francine Delgado-Lugo lives in the Brooklyn borough of New York, where she co-owns a personal training gym. After the pandemic began, she and her business partners began making fitness videos for their clients. Delgado-Lugo’s then-9-year-old son, Malachi, was inspired to make his own set of videos, filmed in his mother’s fitness studio, to share with his fellow fourth-graders. “It was a great activity for him,” she says. “He wrote the notes, he narrated the video, and he demonstrated the movements, and I did them alongside him.” Some moves, such as squats and lunges, were things Malachi had seen his mother do at the gym, and others were things he felt kids would want to do. “We found a way to foster creativity and movement together,” Delgado-Lugo says. “It was so much fun.”

It’s crucial to maintain that engagement with kids, says McDonald, the athletic director at the McLean School. “If the kids have buy-in, it makes the pandemic feel a bit easier to manage. When they feel like their voice is being heard, it makes exercise a more enjoyable experience.” After all, if it’s not fun, children may try to opt out, especially in the privacy of their own homes, without the encouragement and company of their peers, and with the “stop video” button beckoning on their laptop or tablet.

In some cases, the development of intrinsic motivation may require some parental help. For example, if a parent wants to take a child hiking, the parent might tell the child she can choose a place to eat lunch afterward, Nicksic says. “The hope is that the kid enjoys themselves, and the next time you ask, they can remember they had a good time last time, and they’ll want to go again. The reason extrinsic motivation is necessary is that if the intrinsic motivation was there, you wouldn’t need to change the behavior, because the individual would have already done it.”

Tips to keep kids moving

  • Rubber resistance bands are inexpensive, occupy almost no space and let kids do strength-training moves indoors.
  • Attach a retractable net to your dining room table, and presto: table tennis! (Watch out for chandeliers.)
  • Replace your kid’s fidget spinner with a one-pound weight or even a can of beans.
  • For yoga, families recommend the Cosmic Kids YouTube channel and app.
  • An app called Sworkit lets you build your own workout, based on duration and type of exercise; it offers kid-specific options.
  • If your child is an extrovert, invite them to make their own fitness video to share with friends.
  • Send your kids on a scavenger hunt to find specific types of items in your house. Then, make them race to put it all back.
  • Write down exercises on small pieces of paper. Put them in a jar, and let family members choose from the jar. Everyone (yes, everyone) has to do the selected activity.
  • Build an obstacle course out of couch cushions or cardboard boxes.

Joanna Pearlstein (@jopearl) is a writer and editor in San Francisco whose work has appeared in WIRED, the New York Times and the COVID Tracking Project.

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9 Parenting Tips From Michelle Obama And Her Mom

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Michelle Obama with her mother, Marian Robinson, and brother, Craig Robinson.
Michelle Obama with her mother, Marian Robinson, and brother, Craig Robinson.

It’s comforting to know that even a young Michelle Obama had temper tantrums.

That was just one thing we learned about the former U.S. First Lady’s childhood in the most recent episode of her podcast. She was joined by her mother, Marian Robinson, and brother Craig Robinson on Wednesday’s finale of “The Michelle Obama Podcast,” where the discussion centred around raising children and all of the fear, chaos and joy that inspires.

Here are some of the parenting insights we learned from the Obama moms:

Invite your kids to question everything

“I used to tell you to question me, and you all sure did run that into the ground,” Marian quipped.

A significant way to teach kids to think critically is to indulge their curiosity, she explained. Even though it might get annoying, and even if you can’t always answer every question, it’s good to make sure kids keep asking questions.

Teach kids self-reliance early

This one was big in the Robinson household, apparently. When her kids’ alarm clocks rang in the morning, Marian used to tell them “You can lay in the bed if you want, I already have my education.”

The result, for Obama, was learning to take responsibility for herself.

“I always felt like, I’m getting up for me,” she said. “I’ve gotta get ready to go to school, not because my mom is making me do it, but because she’s told me that I’m responsible for my education.”

Her parents made sure she understood that she was responsible for her own behaviour, she said.

A young Michelle with her parents Marian and Fraser.
A young Michelle with her parents Marian and Fraser.

“That was also the beauty of you and Dad, is that you made our successes and our failures our own,” Obama said. “You were always there for us, but you believed that ‘You get good grades for you, not for me.’ You never celebrated our victories too much, or you never wallowed in our failures too deeply. ”

It’s definitely hard for a parent to let go, Obama acknowledged, but it’s something she also put into practice with her daughters Malia, now 22, and Sasha, 19.

“If you are looking for a child to be self-reliant when they’re 21, 22, you have to make them practice that as early as 5 or 6 or 7 years old,” she said.

“If you don’t teach a kid how to wake up on their own when they’re young and it’s easy, yeah, you could be waking them up for the rest of their lives because you don’t make them practice it.”

Think of your kids as smart people, even when they’re babies

“A two-day-old baby is a smart person. Fraser taught me that,” Marian said, referring to her late husband and Michelle and Craig’s dad, Fraser C. Robinson III.

“He just decided he was having the smartest kids on earth. That’s the way I thought about you — I thought about you as people who can learn things.”

Even babies have personalities — her two kids did, Obama said. “They were infants when you could see, if you were paying attention, and spending time, and really, listening like your baby has something to tell you.”

If you have several kids, remember that they’ll all have different needs

Robinson and both her grown-up kids agreed that what worked for your first child might not work for your second — even when they’re still babies.

“Craig always looked like he was worrying about something… ever since he was little, his pictures… you could see a worried little child,” Marian said to Michelle. “But then when you came along, I decided I made him too nice.”

This is where the temper tantrums come in — “You came that way,” Marian told her daughter. “You just were determined, you were gonna do it your way. Craig was acquiescent.”

Craig remembered that their mom would tell him that one approach she had for Michelle was giving her two options rather than telling her what to do — hiding the fact that in both options were things her mom wanted her to do.

“That’s some jiu-jitsu parenting!” Obama said, laughing.

Set the same expectations for all your kids, regardless of their gender

Obama said one of the things she appreciated most about her late father was he treated his two kids the same way, even though one was a boy and one was a girl.

Michelle and Craig as kids.
Michelle and Craig as kids.

“As a young girl I got a feeling of empowerment because my dad respected my voice,” she told Craig. “He treated me as your equal, as his equal. If he taught you to do something, I learned how to do it… he was my first role model of what it meant to have a supportive loving man in my life.”

Spend time with your friends who are also parents

Both generations said they learned a lot about parenting and gained a ton of support from their friends who were also parents. It was especially important when her husband was running for office, Obama said, but she thinks it would be helpful for all moms and dads.

“All you’re doing when they were little is, you’re hoping you’re not messing them up,” she said. “You’re learning from what everybody else is doing.”

Don’t air resentments about the other parent in front of your kids

This was another one that Obama said became important in her life when her husband was the president and would often have to work or travel late. But all kinds of parents with all kind of jobs face challenges when it comes to co-parenting, whether they’re together or not. The healthiest approach is generally keeping the kids out of issues parents have with each other, for everyone’s sake.

Michelle Obama with her daughters Malia (left) and Sasha (right), and her mother Marian Robinson.
Michelle Obama with her daughters Malia (left) and Sasha (right), and her mother Marian Robinson.

“I tried to make sure that I wasn’t pouting in front of the kids when Barack wasn’t there,” Obama said. “If I had made a big deal of it, and said, ‘Oh my god, your dad’s not here again,’ ‘Oh, he’s missing this,’ that’s the signal to them: ‘This isn’t normal.’”

But her husband did try his hardest not to let his work interfere with important family time, she said, which made it easier for her to brush it off when it really was unavoidable.

Do your best not to let racism “cancel out” the important messages you teach your kids

When Craig was 11, police officers accused him of stealing a bike that was a gift from his parents — the kind of racial profiling that so many Black people have to put up with. He explained to the cops that the bike was his and invited them to go to his house and ask his parents.

When they did, Marian insisted that the cops apologize to Craig, explaining to them that “what you did was cancel out a whole lot of things that we had been teaching [our kids]. I think you need to come back here to talk to them and at least admit you made a serious mistake.”

Obama and her brother have both had to have the difficult conversation with their kids about how, as Black people, they’re treated differently. That conversation is a really painful one, Marian said.

A protester wears a Barack Obama hoodie during a Black Lives Matter demonstration in the U.K.
A protester wears a Barack Obama hoodie during a Black Lives Matter demonstration in the U.K.

It’s “such a way of life when it comes to interacting with the rest of the world,” she said. “Nobody thinks about the fact that we all come from good families that are trying to teach values. But when you leave the safety of your home and go out into the street, where being Black is a crime in and of itself, we have all had to learn how to operate outside of our homes with a level of caution and fear.”

But Obama said she’s energized by the Black Lives Matter protests, and finds hope in the fact that young Black people who have to learn to live with prejudice are likely to build up more empathy for other groups.

“If you have a good foundation, you are so strong, that you can overcome that. You know, because you are so resilient, because you have had to learn so much empathy and so much self control.”

Accept that you don’t have all the answers

Parenting, to put it mildly, comes with a lot of pressure. “With each generation they’re making parenting harder, they’re making the bar crazier, like, for what a parent is supposed to do,” Obama said. “Here we come with all the rules and all the guidebooks, and we still feel unprepared.”

But everything about parenting is always going to be a work in progress, Marion told her.

“Parents think they have to know all the answers,” Marion said. “And nobody knows all the answers. I was very comfortable saying, ‘I don’t know.’”

Why Parents Shouldn’t Skip Bedtime Stories with Their Kids

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It helps literacy and emotional growth, but that’s not all, a new survey reveals.

Valerie Howes

We know kids thrive on routines and rituals: The predictability helps them feel secure, develop good habits and learn to better regulate their own emotions.

Sometimes it can feel like a drag for parents to live life on a schedule, but a recent survey revealed there’s one routine most parents love as much as their kids do: bedtime stories.

In fact, story time even ranked higher in popularity among parents than bath time and cuddle time ― although as any book-loving mom or dad will tell you, reading and cuddling tend to be a package deal, when it comes to the bedtime routine.

Watch this video below to learn more about parents’ thoughts, habits and preferences around story time.

Eighty-six per cent of parents love telling stories to their kids before bedtime, according to this survey of 2,000 parents conducted by OnePoll, on behalf of customized children’s book publisher Wonderbly. In fact, three in four wish they could never stop telling stories to their kids, as they grow older, and describe bedtime stories as the most quality time they get with their children in the typical day. Since it’s such a peaceful and cozy ritual, with opportunities for one-on-one conversations, it’s excellent for bonding.

So when does it all begin? Twenty per cent of parents start reading to their children before they are even born. And 15 per cent start from the time their child enters the world.

We'll never get enough of the snuggles that come with bedtime reading.
We’ll never get enough of the snuggles that come with bedtime reading.

It’s never too early: As reported in a 2018 HuffPost Canada story, reading to babies during their early infancy, boosts language, vocabulary and literacy skills. These benefits are still evident up to four years later.

Most parents continue the bedtime-story routine until their child is around eight years old, and they spend on average 15 minutes reading bedtime stories together. While 21 per cent of parents like to get creative and use their imagination in making up stories, 41 per cent prefer to read from books.

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